Category: miscellaneous

Adults Who Ride Scooters

The most beautiful woman he’d seen,

Dead or alive

(Or, at the very least, top five).

From the wheel of his Cooper

He wanted to toot her,

To evoke winged Cupid

And have the blind boy shoot her.

He needed her like new tenants

Need a wireless router,

Would gladly be neutered

To denude her of couture-

One problem.

This goddess, this starlet,

Companion of his future,

Was a grown-ass adult,

Riding a scooter.

Two Gentlemen Beneath a Projector

Two gentlemen — this, at least,

We can confirm, that they are gentlemen —

Confer beneath the projector.

Whether they are here to critique,

Or come off-peak, like Tuesday noon,

Or bought out all two-sixteen seats

To secure themselves exclusive views,

We cannot say.

I only fear they come here for me,

To watch peel from my sweaty legs

The Batman pyjamas, to hear me,

In thought, curse the thermostat,

Which I am too tired to rise

And turn clockwise.

Speakers

Surround

The rumours, when they began, were

Sound.

Gratuitous in-wall speakers, every room

(Even the bathroom,

So a piss was no respite).

In fact, the architect had seen fit

To affix one device within the

Basin. It’s bass vexed the pool, and

Growled lemony spittle across

My new white jumper.

I’d flip flop back to the hallway

And curse,

Because I had to buy a new white jumper.

Sorry

The A in DNA stands for apology.

People will give a pass to astrology

But not to that.

That confuses me because I love a good sorry.

I’m a contrition addict, and sometimes my sorries

Contradict their surroundings.

I apologise for emails

Both pragmatic and necessary,

And I apologise to 4×4 drivers

When I semi-run on zebra skins.

Oh, sorry: the DN stands for Deoxyribonucleic.